Levi stalks back to their treehouse home immediately in a troubled mood. He finds Erwin at their kitchen table, doing something or other, and without even offering any sort of greeting, blurts out:
"Erwin, we need to talk about this guy Kimbley you're all buddy-buddy with lately."
He's stopped on the other side of the table, arms crossed tightly over his chest as though trying to contain a clearly unsettled energy that's thrumming through him, tightening his shoulders high and tense.
Erwin has spent the day peacefully chatting with people on Sleepr and working on getting a stew ready for dinner. The entire treehouse smells like slow-cooking meat and vegetables, and Erwin hasn't done anything goofy or experimental with it; he's only used the ingredients he remembers his mother using when she made stews, or the ones made by the Survey Corps cooks after missions over the wall. He has, perhaps, gone the slightest bit ham with the garlic, but that's because it's so much cheaper and readily available here.
He looks up when he hears Levi come in, and is ready to gently tease him about this 'commander of my heart' business when he sees the look on his face. That shuts down any teasing immediately, as does Levi's declaration.
"All right." Erwin turns off his communicator and sets it aside, giving Levi his full attention. "Have you been talking with him too?"
Obviously Levi has, or he wouldn't be this stirred up, but Erwin is ready to hear what Levi has to say.
The scent is familiar, the sensation of it shoving a force of memories through his mind in an instant - cold, rainy autumn days around a table in the mess hall with his first squad, a night during a long training mission in a remote place inside wall Maria, more than one evening spent with Erwin and Hange and Mike working through plans and paperwork, the night after they'd all returned back to headquarters together after overthrowing the government.
It helps to settle a little of his unease, but also seems to provoke at a lingering feeling he's been struggling with recently, one that some people might know as homesickness but Levi has never experienced, or even thought about.
Erwin gets leveled with an impatient stare. "No, I'm harassing you over some guy I know fuckall about," he drawls dryly. "Yeah, I've talked to him. What the fuck is your angle?"
Because while he knows Erwin has a much higher tolerance for bullshit than Levi does, there's got to be something else at play, right?
Edited (let's try again) Date: 2023-09-26 03:00 am (UTC)
Erwin gets it; why does Levi think he keeps making stews and other things from home? This place might be their home now (for now), but Erwin misses their own world sometimes too. More accurately, he misses the people they've left behind, and having things here they would recognise makes it feel like he's sharing this relatively peaceful, magical place with them.
"He's powerful. Not now, but when he gets his alchemy back, he will be." Of course Erwin has an angle; the fact that he genuinely enjoys Kimbley's company helps, but he's incapable of just having friends and knowing people anymore. Everyone is a game piece on Erwin's mental chessboard, and a few months in this place hasn't changed that. "I'd rather have someone with abilities like that on my side than against me."
It's the same reason he fought so hard to get control of Eren from the MPs. If anyone is going to have someone that powerful fighting alongside him, it's going to be Erwin, come hell or high water.
But he can also understand Levi's reluctance to team up with the man. He hopes Levi hasn't heard about the Shou Tucker alchemist and the kinds of things he was doing with his abilities. He hopes, for Tucker's sake and for Levi's mental health, that Tucker never shows up here and never meets Levi.
Erwin gestures at the chair across the table. "Would you like me to put the kettle on?"
"A guy like that isn't on anyone's side." Not even his own, to hear Kimbley tell it. Perhaps he and Erwin can get on amicably now, but allegedly there's nothing holding him back from changing his mind if it suits him. People who can't form attachments can easily throw things away, and don't care about them once they're gone.
Levi shifts his weight, agitated and restless. "He'll be dangerous."
He hasn't heard about any other alchemists; his conversations with the man have been much more limited, and truthfully one seems enough to worry about as it is, given what they can allegedly do.
When Erwin gestures to the chair, he just shakes his head, too unsettled to sit. His arms folded across his chest tighten briefly as he answers: "Sure, if you want."
Erwin gets up and moves to the kettle. He deliberately keeps his movements slow and steady, easy to follow with the eye. Doing anything fast or moving frenetically will just put Levi more on edge, the way he's feeling right now, and Erwin isn't going to do anything to make him jumpier.
"No, probably not." Erwin isn't delusional; he knows Kimbley is dangerous and unhinged. But he's also always been a gambler, and he wonders if there's something underneath the posturing and devil-may-care attitude. What if the man is just lonely? What if having someone on his side would actually make a difference to him?
Erwin has known a few people like that.
"We've known a lot of dangerous people." Erwin opens the cupboard and gets two mugs down. Then he fetches a box of herbal tea and offers it to Levi for measuring and eventual seeping. "And I'd argue that we can be dangerous ourselves, when we put our minds to it."
Several heartbeats pass as he stares at the offered tea, seemingly frozen in place, paralyzed. Something in him doesn't want to move closer, tries to keep his feet rooted to the spot. He almost even tells Erwin to just do it - it's almost impossible to use to overdo herbal tea, so there isn't much to get wrong - but preparing it is his task, and the strangeness of turning it down wins out in the end. Just before it seems like he's not going to move, he takes a step forward, and comes to join Erwin at the counter.
"Yeah, we can be," he returns after a moment, starting to carefully measure the dried herbs and citrus pieces into the strainers in each cup. Levi is painfully aware of how efficient he is at killing compared to anyone else other than the titan shifters, who have him outclassed effectively on size alone.
"But we don't think of people's lives as fundamentally worthless." Which is the real heart of the problem, as far as he's concerned. Of course he hasn't gone around and done a whole survey of the people here - Kimbley could hardly be the only one. But how many of those people could potentially and so easily murder with seemingly little effort?
...probably several, if other conversations were any indication.
But how many of them were in such proximity to Erwin?
Erwin knew Levi would eventually cave on the tea. Erwin is perfectly capable of managing herbal tea on his own and they both know it, but tea is Levi's thing, and the simple repetition of something he's done so many times will, Erwin hopes, calm him down a little. It probably also won't hurt when, as Levi steps up to the counter, Erwin lifts his hand and gently rubs it across the small of Levi's back.
"No. We've never thought that." Levi hasn't, anyway. Erwin has, at some of his darkest times, made calculations of people's worth, and chosen where to position them accordingly. It's not something he's proud of, but he's done it, and he'll do it again if he has to. Not worthless, maybe, but with a value that's very definable and quantifiable, based on the situation, and Erwin isn't entirely convinced which of those options is uglier. At least Kimbley is fair, and assumes everyone is worthless; Erwin will use everything he knows about someone to make a decision on whether someone's life is worth preserving, and his own needs take ultimate precedent.
No wonder he always slept like shit back home.
"I might be an optimist, but I wonder how many people have ever actually listened to Kimbley." Not many, Erwin's thinking. "He lets interesting things slip when he thinks no one is paying attention."
It does help - but perhaps the touch more than anything, even when he thought he was feeling too jittery to be touched. Erwin has always been the exception there, it seems, or nearly so. The shape and feeling of his hand is warm and familiar, as is just standing at his side. It's that steadiness that has always been what he needed, someone sure and strong and unwavering with the patience to guide him out of the tumult of his emotions, when anger or anxiety or even loss became too much.
Levi lets that comforting familiarity seep into him, feels his heart rate slow and some tension release from his hands.
Of course they've had to make calculations on the lives of others. That was the price of leadership, the burden Erwin carried to see out his vision - because even if his true motivations had been ultimately self-serving, everything he'd done still counted towards humanity's freedom. Because people still mattered. Any time it seemed he was in danger of losing sight of that, Levi would remind him, was there to help him shoulder that burden, because someone needed to be willing to make those choices. If Erwin didn't care, Levi wouldn't follow him.
He's quiet, absorbing calm from Erwin's soothing touch as he carefully puts the tea and measuring spoon back in their proper places in the cupboard. His hands settle lightly on the countertop, gaze drifting to the golden glint on his left before he sighs, shaking his head.
"Maybe. In my experience, people like that happy to tell you exactly the kind of fucked up they are." Levi glances up at Erwin. "What did he tell you?"
It's really not fair; Erwin knows exactly what his touch does to Levi, and he's absolutely using it to his advantage today. He never uses the knowledge for evil, though!
"It's more what he hasn't said." Erwin thinks back on his conversations with Kimbley; he knew a chat like this with Levi would come sooner or later, and he's been quietly mulling things over in anticipation. He also just plain likes Kimbley, and is interested in what makes him tick. "He talks all the time about his world, if you ask him questions. He's told me about alchemy, and the people he knows, and the world he comes from. What's strange, though, is how he's always on the outside of the conversation, like someone else looking in. The only person he seems to have had any kind of connection with was his commanding officer, who was here briefly but then disappeared."
Erwin drums a brief little beat on Levi's back as he puts the pieces the rest of the way together. "I don't think he cares about anyone there because no one has ever cared about him. He's someone that's always been viewed for what he can do, rather than who he is."
Which should sound familiar to both of them. So many anime tropes up in here!
"I have a feeling that the best way to get through to him is to just be there."
Perhaps he should be more open to what Erwin is suggesting - he has spent more time talking to him, after all. And while he isn't going to discount Erwin's thoughts entirely (so often Erwin sees things that he doesn't, including the larger picture), Levi can't discount his own instincts when it comes to people. They've both known some fucked up individuals, but Levi has arguably spent more time around people like Kimbley. Kenny had been only one or two steps away from that point, really; he at least had had one or two people he did seem to care about.
His expression flattens, matched in his voice. "Maybe because who he is is super fucked up."
He shifts away a little from the tapping fingers - that's not a particularly welcome sensation at the moment, drumming jitteriness back into his nerves. The water is finally ready - not yet boiling, but on the cusp - and he falls silent, pouring it out with a critical eye.
Turning back to Erwin, a deeper frown creases his expression.
"And what if there's nothing to get through to? You'll have just put yourself the closest within reach of someone who can turn you into a fucking human bomb just by touching you."
Erwin could make a comment about someone who wanted to kill him, and attempted it at least twice, and is now making him tea, but he'll keep those thoughts to himself. That's the problem with gambling: you get it right enough times in a row, you start to think you can beat the house. Erwin knows he'll eventually gamble too big and everything will fall apart, but he doesn't think Kimbley will be that gamble.
"Maybe. But what would he gain from turning me into a bomb?" Erwin shrugs and spreads his hand out at his side. "I have no authority here, no power. If anything, attacking me would be a mistake, because then he'd have you after him." Of that, Erwin has no doubt. If anything explosive happens to him, Levi will be so far up Kimbley's ass that Kimbley will be tasting tea leaves on his tonsils. Erwin shakes his head. "No, I don't think he'll attack me, if for no other reason than he seems to enjoy having an audience."
Is he being a hypocrite? Maybe. Erwin had had no way to know what kind of person he was in the underground -- or perhaps he did. The rumor of criminals using military gear would have been reason enough, but Levi wouldn't have been at all surprised if Erwin had tried to dig up as much information about him as he could ahead of time.
Sure, it had been a gamble; there's no way to have predicted that forcing him into the Survey Corps would have gone well, that they all wouldn't have tried to escape at some point if they decided they didn't want to risk their lives fighting titans even after Erwin had foiled their plans. He might have had contingencies, but surely that had always been a potential risk.
Had Erwin known, or had he just guessed that he had a chance of swinging Levi to his cause? It wasn't hard to tell that at least he actually gave a damn about people. And Isabelle...after only a few days she'd already become swept up in the cause. She would have stayed, and they would have stayed with her--
People like that, though? All they have to do is decide that they don't care about anything anymore. Kimbley wouldn't just have Levi up his ass, he'd be dead, as many times over as needed until it stuck - but if he reaches the point where that doesn't matter, then there's no reason for him to hold back.
Still, he has to concede that Erwin does have a point, however, supported by what Kimbley had said himself.
His arms cross unhappily over his chest again, and he's silent for several moments staring at the tea as it bleeds flavor and color into the hot water. In truth there isn't anything he can do about the situation that he hasn't already done. Levi gives a short, agitated sigh and shifts his feet, shaking his head.
"...all right, Erwin."
Acceptance is all he has left. He nudges a mug in his direction with one hand.
What Levi doesn't know--what he'll never know, if Erwin has anything to say about it--is how tenuous things were, those first few weeks of his aboveground. Erwin and Mike had a working agreement: if Levi went rogue, they would both have to go after him, and deal with the threat. Farlan and Isabelle weren't such a concern, anyone in the Corps could have dealt with them, but Levi was a special case, who needed special observation and a unique containment plan.
The day after Farlan and Isabelle died, when Erwin was on edge and prepared for an epic throw down with Levi, Mike sought him out. He'd simply squeezed Erwin's shoulder, announced that Levi was on their side, that he smelled trustworthy now, and slouched off. It had been Mike who called off the contingency plan, not Erwin.
So yeah, Erwin has some experience with loose cannons.
He knows Levi doesn't like this, though, and doesn't take the cup right away. He puts his hand back on Levi's back, and this time there's no drumming, no tapping along his spine; it's a simple, soothing caress on that spot between Levi's shoulder blades, where he's always so tightly wound.
"I'm not going to do anything foolish, Levi. I have too much going on here." There are books to read, strange creatures to poke, interesting new foods to eat. And, most of all, there's Levi, and time, and no titans, and Erwin isn't giving up any of that readily. "I promise I'll pull back if I think I'm in any danger."
What else could he have done at that point? Disappeared, perhaps, but he was never a threat to anyone else in the Corps. Erwin had already thwarted him twice over, and without anything to gain from it, there would have been no point in killing him. And so follow him he did; all the way to this.
The hand between his shoulders has the effect it almost always does - his muscles unlock slightly, automatically, and Levi closes his eyes a moment, just soaking in the sensation, in Erwin's presence, trying to let it soothe away all of his worry. It doesn't quite, but...it's enough, for now. It'll have to be.
"...it's not you I'm worried about," he says quietly, and reaches for his own mug. "But I trust you."
That wasn't the answer Erwin was expecting, and he takes a step closer, getting right next to Levi so he can put his arm around Levi's waist, his chest up against Levi's back. Erwin knows he's about the only person alive that can crowd Levi like this and not get his head torn off, and he's absolutely going to abuse that husbandly power when Levi is upset.
"So what's got you worked up?" If Levi isn't worried about Erwin, then what's the problem? He's obviously not worried about Erwin hurting Kimbley, so what is it?
The first few heartbeats have him tensing reflexively at the confinement; being this close this casually is still new in many respects, and being held from behind without warning has the potential to set off his fighting response - but this is Erwin, who has been with him here, who always touches him with care and sincerity, and it's easy to push those instincts away and settle back into the embrace. Levi allows himself to sink a little against the sturdy warmth of that broad chest, lets his head tilt back to gently rest nearly above where Erwin's heart would be and just closes his eyes.
The arm around him is not confining, but secure. Supportive, strong. Levi sets his left hand to that forearm, tracing slowly with his palm until he finds Erwin's hand curled at his waist. The question continues to go unanswered as slender fingers carefully trace the gold band, then slide into the space between to twine and lock together, holding them in place.
Like this, he can easily imagine what it would be like for Erwin to have both arms wrapped around him; fully engulfed, like drowning but in the best way. Levi doesn't lament or wish for it so much as wonder. He is happy with this, which is already more than he could have ever really imagined having. How could he possibly fathom thinking it's not enough?
He sighs a little, more of a slow exhale.
"...too many unknowns, here." He says finally. "Weirdass people, weirdass monsters...weirdass magic...feels like I don't know where I'm supposed to be looking."
Erwin can imagine it too, what it would be like to hold Levi with two arms. Stupid, that they've known each other for so long, but it was only after Erwin lost his arm that they started doing this. So many chances lost, never to be regained. He might end up with a prosthetic of some kind here, but it won't be the same. It won't be the same at all.
Still, he holds Levi as best he can, and when Levi leans back against his chest and then takes his hand, Erwin feels a little better. He owes it to Levi to be more careful, to not stress him out with his wild antics; it's just unfortunate that Erwin's definition of wild antics is much wilder than the typical person's.
"I know." Things are definitely weird as hell here, and it's clearly getting to Levi more than Erwin. Erwin has been embracing the weirdness, because what else is he supposed to do? This is all he has left, all the life he'll get to live, and he'd be a fool to not take advantage of it. But it isn't that way for Levi, and it's hard to turn down the heightened sense of danger they'd lived with for so long back home. "I wish I had an answer for you."
At least back home the dangers were familiar. Titans are nasty, but they don't try to take over anyone's minds.
It's hardly that he's unaccustomed to the intensity of Erwin's risk-taking; the man has gambled with his own life more times than Levi particularly cares to count, and between having his arm bitten off and still managing to save Eren before passing out as well as staging a bloodless coups to overthrow a false king only weeks later, to outright refuse to stay behind on what is most likely to mean certain death, it's a particular kind of stress he's well acquainted with.
The point is that the only thing he really can trust here is Erwin. To trust what he says, trust his judgment, trust that he understands the risks even if he's going to take them anyway. Perhaps that had been Levi's biggest source of anxiety in the moment, that he just needed reassurance and acknowledgment that he's read the situation correctly, that they're on the same page of understanding. But short of someone being an active threat, it's not as though Levi can demand certain behaviors from either Erwin or Kimbley or anyone else.
Everything is different here. He's adapted, because he's had to. Some things are better, some strange shit is routine now, other stuff he's written off as not worth the bother to try to puzzle out, can be someone else's problem. But something is under his skin, distant but constant, and not sharp or formed enough that he can pinpoint it well enough or long enough to do anything about.
This helps, though. Erwin helps. And so Levi just tries to focus on what he can feel and hear and let everything else evaporate, even if just for a little while.
"It's all right," he mutters, not making any motions to move but squeezing Erwin's hand briefly. "I'll be fine so long as you stay in one piece."
"Don't worry about that." Erwin squeezes Levi's hand back, then drops a kiss down onto the top of his head. "I'm running out of body parts to spare. I have to keep a closer watch on the ones I have left."
That kiss sends a tingling warmth down all through him, starting from the spot of contact and collecting like a well in his chest before unfurling all throughout his limbs to his fingertips and toes.
He'll do anything to prevent losing more of Erwin; physically or mentally, or entirely. Perhaps here he'll finally be able to do more than be good enough just to survive, he'll actually be able to protect someone important to him. Past events haven't completely supported that idea, but he's better prepared, now.
Hopefully, anyway.
Levi presses back into Erwin minutely before muttering in a tone that sounds closer to a threat than affection: "Yeah, you'd better. If something happens to this hand we have to move closer to the ground. I'll wipe your ass for you but I'm not hauling it up and down a ladder every day."
Erwin is going to try very hard, for Levi's sake, to not lose any more of himself. Losing other physical parts is the least of his worries; he's terrified that something will happen to his mind again, and he won't be able to find his way back. Would Levi still love him if he were armless? Legless? Probably, but expecting to be loved when his mind is gone? Erwin couldn't ask that of Levi or anyone else.
He needs to keep himself together. He needs to keep pushing forward, to not let the darkness overtake him, and to be here and present.
Erwin snorts laughter into Levi's hair at his response. "That's reasonable. I'm too heavy to drag up and down a vertical drop. Asking someone to do that every day would be unfair."
He lowers his head, nosing the hair near Levi's ear out of the way so he can press another soft kiss behind it. "Are you feeling better now? Or do you want to work out the logistics of future ass wiping first?"
Levi would love Erwin no matter what befell him. And he'll fight until his own last breath to keep him safe.
The sensation of breath in his hair makes him shift, but if anything, he's just snuggling back even more into Erwin's chest.
"I could manage. It'd be easier for you, though."
Pressed this close, there's no hiding the way that kiss sends a shiver down his spine, forces him into inhale softly against the unexpected wave of pleasant tingles it sends through his limbs. His pulse may have jumped a heartbeat or two.
Levi tilts his chin upward with implicit permission for more, eyes falling closed as he just tries to let go of everything else. There's still knots bound up in his shoulders, because when are there not? But much more of the tension seems to melt away in the following moments.
"Hmm," he sighs, because while 'better' isn't quite the word he would use, he's at least not so wound up anymore. "S'pose we can figure that out later."
With his free hand, Levi reaches up to slide fingers over the soft, short hair at the back of Erwin's neck, gently holding him in place for a moment to turn and nuzzle appreciatively at his cheek in silent thanks. His lips brush at the corners of the man that's wrapped him in his arm - his husband - but only briefly, so as not to prolong the awkward, surely uncomfortable angle more than necessary. But he needed a little self indulgent moment.
Erwin is pretty glad Levi is turning his neck for more kisses, and choosing to let the ass wiping question go unanswered for now. They could get into it, sure, but Erwin would like to think he'll be able to manage such things on his own for at least a little while longer.
With Levi's head turned, Erwin is able to trail kisses down the side of his neck, from just behind the jut of his jawbone to along the taut tendon that turned his head. Levi smells different here, a certain wild, iron-y musk wafting up from under the usual smell of soap and clean skin. Erwin likes it, likes how it's so unmistakably Levi, and how he's the only one allowed to get close enough to know it's there.
Levi's little twisting motion just lets Erwin get close enough to mouth Levi's collarbone, but he doesn't hold it long enough for Erwin to really kiss him. It's probably for the best; the angle is starting to get awkward for both of them. When Levi twists out of it, though, Erwin loosens his arm slightly and steps back, but only so he can try to get Levi to turn around. Chest-to-back is good and all, but chest-to-chest is better, and Erwin's aim will be a lot better if Levi is facing him.
Soft lips against that line of his throat are, he's realized, very nice. His eyes flutter shut, and his chest swells and lips part to pull in a full gasp of breath as warmth tingles through his limbs and kicks his heartbeat a little faster. Levi feels himself arch, his fingers tightening against whatever part of Erwin he can touch, and he feels as though he could just burst into little particles of light and sink into him, all the way into his heart and stay there forever.
But then Erwin is releasing him, just a little - just enough to turn, which is good, because now Levi wants a real kiss. Or two. Or three. Or as many as he can get.
All thoughts of tea are completely abandoned as he turns in the protective, safe circle of Erwin's arm, reaching to cup his face. For several heartbeats, Levi just holds them both there, staring quietly into blue eyes that remind him of a clear, spring day, and vows softly:
"I will never let anything happen to you."
And then, raising up onto his toes, sets their lips together.
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timeasmymeasure
action;
Date: 2023-09-23 08:04 pm (UTC)Levi stalks back to their treehouse home immediately in a troubled mood. He finds Erwin at their kitchen table, doing something or other, and without even offering any sort of greeting, blurts out:
"Erwin, we need to talk about this guy Kimbley you're all buddy-buddy with lately."
He's stopped on the other side of the table, arms crossed tightly over his chest as though trying to contain a clearly unsettled energy that's thrumming through him, tightening his shoulders high and tense.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-24 04:50 pm (UTC)He looks up when he hears Levi come in, and is ready to gently tease him about this 'commander of my heart' business when he sees the look on his face. That shuts down any teasing immediately, as does Levi's declaration.
"All right." Erwin turns off his communicator and sets it aside, giving Levi his full attention. "Have you been talking with him too?"
Obviously Levi has, or he wouldn't be this stirred up, but Erwin is ready to hear what Levi has to say.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 01:17 am (UTC)It helps to settle a little of his unease, but also seems to provoke at a lingering feeling he's been struggling with recently, one that some people might know as homesickness but Levi has never experienced, or even thought about.
Erwin gets leveled with an impatient stare. "No, I'm harassing you over some guy I know fuckall about," he drawls dryly. "Yeah, I've talked to him. What the fuck is your angle?"
Because while he knows Erwin has a much higher tolerance for bullshit than Levi does, there's got to be something else at play, right?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 08:54 am (UTC)"He's powerful. Not now, but when he gets his alchemy back, he will be." Of course Erwin has an angle; the fact that he genuinely enjoys Kimbley's company helps, but he's incapable of just having friends and knowing people anymore. Everyone is a game piece on Erwin's mental chessboard, and a few months in this place hasn't changed that. "I'd rather have someone with abilities like that on my side than against me."
It's the same reason he fought so hard to get control of Eren from the MPs. If anyone is going to have someone that powerful fighting alongside him, it's going to be Erwin, come hell or high water.
But he can also understand Levi's reluctance to team up with the man. He hopes Levi hasn't heard about the Shou Tucker alchemist and the kinds of things he was doing with his abilities. He hopes, for Tucker's sake and for Levi's mental health, that Tucker never shows up here and never meets Levi.
Erwin gestures at the chair across the table. "Would you like me to put the kettle on?"
no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 05:40 pm (UTC)Levi shifts his weight, agitated and restless. "He'll be dangerous."
He hasn't heard about any other alchemists; his conversations with the man have been much more limited, and truthfully one seems enough to worry about as it is, given what they can allegedly do.
When Erwin gestures to the chair, he just shakes his head, too unsettled to sit. His arms folded across his chest tighten briefly as he answers: "Sure, if you want."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 06:28 pm (UTC)"No, probably not." Erwin isn't delusional; he knows Kimbley is dangerous and unhinged. But he's also always been a gambler, and he wonders if there's something underneath the posturing and devil-may-care attitude. What if the man is just lonely? What if having someone on his side would actually make a difference to him?
Erwin has known a few people like that.
"We've known a lot of dangerous people." Erwin opens the cupboard and gets two mugs down. Then he fetches a box of herbal tea and offers it to Levi for measuring and eventual seeping. "And I'd argue that we can be dangerous ourselves, when we put our minds to it."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 07:07 pm (UTC)"Yeah, we can be," he returns after a moment, starting to carefully measure the dried herbs and citrus pieces into the strainers in each cup. Levi is painfully aware of how efficient he is at killing compared to anyone else other than the titan shifters, who have him outclassed effectively on size alone.
"But we don't think of people's lives as fundamentally worthless." Which is the real heart of the problem, as far as he's concerned. Of course he hasn't gone around and done a whole survey of the people here - Kimbley could hardly be the only one. But how many of those people could potentially and so easily murder with seemingly little effort?
...probably several, if other conversations were any indication.
But how many of them were in such proximity to Erwin?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-28 05:48 pm (UTC)"No. We've never thought that." Levi hasn't, anyway. Erwin has, at some of his darkest times, made calculations of people's worth, and chosen where to position them accordingly. It's not something he's proud of, but he's done it, and he'll do it again if he has to. Not worthless, maybe, but with a value that's very definable and quantifiable, based on the situation, and Erwin isn't entirely convinced which of those options is uglier. At least Kimbley is fair, and assumes everyone is worthless; Erwin will use everything he knows about someone to make a decision on whether someone's life is worth preserving, and his own needs take ultimate precedent.
No wonder he always slept like shit back home.
"I might be an optimist, but I wonder how many people have ever actually listened to Kimbley." Not many, Erwin's thinking. "He lets interesting things slip when he thinks no one is paying attention."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-28 06:51 pm (UTC)Levi lets that comforting familiarity seep into him, feels his heart rate slow and some tension release from his hands.
Of course they've had to make calculations on the lives of others. That was the price of leadership, the burden Erwin carried to see out his vision - because even if his true motivations had been ultimately self-serving, everything he'd done still counted towards humanity's freedom. Because people still mattered. Any time it seemed he was in danger of losing sight of that, Levi would remind him, was there to help him shoulder that burden, because someone needed to be willing to make those choices. If Erwin didn't care, Levi wouldn't follow him.
He's quiet, absorbing calm from Erwin's soothing touch as he carefully puts the tea and measuring spoon back in their proper places in the cupboard. His hands settle lightly on the countertop, gaze drifting to the golden glint on his left before he sighs, shaking his head.
"Maybe. In my experience, people like that happy to tell you exactly the kind of fucked up they are." Levi glances up at Erwin. "What did he tell you?"
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Date: 2023-09-28 07:11 pm (UTC)"It's more what he hasn't said." Erwin thinks back on his conversations with Kimbley; he knew a chat like this with Levi would come sooner or later, and he's been quietly mulling things over in anticipation. He also just plain likes Kimbley, and is interested in what makes him tick. "He talks all the time about his world, if you ask him questions. He's told me about alchemy, and the people he knows, and the world he comes from. What's strange, though, is how he's always on the outside of the conversation, like someone else looking in. The only person he seems to have had any kind of connection with was his commanding officer, who was here briefly but then disappeared."
Erwin drums a brief little beat on Levi's back as he puts the pieces the rest of the way together. "I don't think he cares about anyone there because no one has ever cared about him. He's someone that's always been viewed for what he can do, rather than who he is."
Which should sound familiar to both of them.
So many anime tropes up in here!"I have a feeling that the best way to get through to him is to just be there."
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Date: 2023-09-28 07:49 pm (UTC)His expression flattens, matched in his voice. "Maybe because who he is is super fucked up."
He shifts away a little from the tapping fingers - that's not a particularly welcome sensation at the moment, drumming jitteriness back into his nerves. The water is finally ready - not yet boiling, but on the cusp - and he falls silent, pouring it out with a critical eye.
Turning back to Erwin, a deeper frown creases his expression.
"And what if there's nothing to get through to? You'll have just put yourself the closest within reach of someone who can turn you into a fucking human bomb just by touching you."
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Date: 2023-10-01 05:45 pm (UTC)"Maybe. But what would he gain from turning me into a bomb?" Erwin shrugs and spreads his hand out at his side. "I have no authority here, no power. If anything, attacking me would be a mistake, because then he'd have you after him." Of that, Erwin has no doubt. If anything explosive happens to him, Levi will be so far up Kimbley's ass that Kimbley will be tasting tea leaves on his tonsils. Erwin shakes his head. "No, I don't think he'll attack me, if for no other reason than he seems to enjoy having an audience."
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Date: 2023-10-04 03:45 pm (UTC)Sure, it had been a gamble; there's no way to have predicted that forcing him into the Survey Corps would have gone well, that they all wouldn't have tried to escape at some point if they decided they didn't want to risk their lives fighting titans even after Erwin had foiled their plans. He might have had contingencies, but surely that had always been a potential risk.
Had Erwin known, or had he just guessed that he had a chance of swinging Levi to his cause? It wasn't hard to tell that at least he actually gave a damn about people. And Isabelle...after only a few days she'd already become swept up in the cause. She would have stayed, and they would have stayed with her--
People like that, though? All they have to do is decide that they don't care about anything anymore. Kimbley wouldn't just have Levi up his ass, he'd be dead, as many times over as needed until it stuck - but if he reaches the point where that doesn't matter, then there's no reason for him to hold back.
Still, he has to concede that Erwin does have a point, however, supported by what Kimbley had said himself.
His arms cross unhappily over his chest again, and he's silent for several moments staring at the tea as it bleeds flavor and color into the hot water. In truth there isn't anything he can do about the situation that he hasn't already done. Levi gives a short, agitated sigh and shifts his feet, shaking his head.
"...all right, Erwin."
Acceptance is all he has left. He nudges a mug in his direction with one hand.
"Here."
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Date: 2023-10-04 06:44 pm (UTC)The day after Farlan and Isabelle died, when Erwin was on edge and prepared for an epic throw down with Levi, Mike sought him out. He'd simply squeezed Erwin's shoulder, announced that Levi was on their side, that he smelled trustworthy now, and slouched off. It had been Mike who called off the contingency plan, not Erwin.
So yeah, Erwin has some experience with loose cannons.
He knows Levi doesn't like this, though, and doesn't take the cup right away. He puts his hand back on Levi's back, and this time there's no drumming, no tapping along his spine; it's a simple, soothing caress on that spot between Levi's shoulder blades, where he's always so tightly wound.
"I'm not going to do anything foolish, Levi. I have too much going on here." There are books to read, strange creatures to poke, interesting new foods to eat. And, most of all, there's Levi, and time, and no titans, and Erwin isn't giving up any of that readily. "I promise I'll pull back if I think I'm in any danger."
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Date: 2023-10-04 08:28 pm (UTC)The hand between his shoulders has the effect it almost always does - his muscles unlock slightly, automatically, and Levi closes his eyes a moment, just soaking in the sensation, in Erwin's presence, trying to let it soothe away all of his worry. It doesn't quite, but...it's enough, for now. It'll have to be.
"...it's not you I'm worried about," he says quietly, and reaches for his own mug. "But I trust you."
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Date: 2023-10-05 04:55 pm (UTC)"So what's got you worked up?" If Levi isn't worried about Erwin, then what's the problem? He's obviously not worried about Erwin hurting Kimbley, so what is it?
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Date: 2023-10-05 05:32 pm (UTC)The arm around him is not confining, but secure. Supportive, strong. Levi sets his left hand to that forearm, tracing slowly with his palm until he finds Erwin's hand curled at his waist. The question continues to go unanswered as slender fingers carefully trace the gold band, then slide into the space between to twine and lock together, holding them in place.
Like this, he can easily imagine what it would be like for Erwin to have both arms wrapped around him; fully engulfed, like drowning but in the best way. Levi doesn't lament or wish for it so much as wonder. He is happy with this, which is already more than he could have ever really imagined having. How could he possibly fathom thinking it's not enough?
He sighs a little, more of a slow exhale.
"...too many unknowns, here." He says finally. "Weirdass people, weirdass monsters...weirdass magic...feels like I don't know where I'm supposed to be looking."
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Date: 2023-10-05 06:43 pm (UTC)Still, he holds Levi as best he can, and when Levi leans back against his chest and then takes his hand, Erwin feels a little better. He owes it to Levi to be more careful, to not stress him out with his wild antics; it's just unfortunate that Erwin's definition of wild antics is much wilder than the typical person's.
"I know." Things are definitely weird as hell here, and it's clearly getting to Levi more than Erwin. Erwin has been embracing the weirdness, because what else is he supposed to do? This is all he has left, all the life he'll get to live, and he'd be a fool to not take advantage of it. But it isn't that way for Levi, and it's hard to turn down the heightened sense of danger they'd lived with for so long back home. "I wish I had an answer for you."
At least back home the dangers were familiar. Titans are nasty, but they don't try to take over anyone's minds.
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Date: 2023-10-05 10:26 pm (UTC)The point is that the only thing he really can trust here is Erwin. To trust what he says, trust his judgment, trust that he understands the risks even if he's going to take them anyway. Perhaps that had been Levi's biggest source of anxiety in the moment, that he just needed reassurance and acknowledgment that he's read the situation correctly, that they're on the same page of understanding. But short of someone being an active threat, it's not as though Levi can demand certain behaviors from either Erwin or Kimbley or anyone else.
Everything is different here. He's adapted, because he's had to. Some things are better, some strange shit is routine now, other stuff he's written off as not worth the bother to try to puzzle out, can be someone else's problem. But something is under his skin, distant but constant, and not sharp or formed enough that he can pinpoint it well enough or long enough to do anything about.
This helps, though. Erwin helps. And so Levi just tries to focus on what he can feel and hear and let everything else evaporate, even if just for a little while.
"It's all right," he mutters, not making any motions to move but squeezing Erwin's hand briefly. "I'll be fine so long as you stay in one piece."
you write beautiful, thoughtful tags, and I respond with this
Date: 2023-10-06 10:55 am (UTC)Aw yeah, reassurance. Nailed it.
lol tbf I didn't give you much to respond to, Levi's just up in his head :')
Date: 2023-10-06 12:38 pm (UTC)He'll do anything to prevent losing more of Erwin; physically or mentally, or entirely. Perhaps here he'll finally be able to do more than be good enough just to survive, he'll actually be able to protect someone important to him. Past events haven't completely supported that idea, but he's better prepared, now.
Hopefully, anyway.
Levi presses back into Erwin minutely before muttering in a tone that sounds closer to a threat than affection: "Yeah, you'd better. If something happens to this hand we have to move closer to the ground. I'll wipe your ass for you but I'm not hauling it up and down a ladder every day."
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Date: 2023-10-08 02:19 pm (UTC)He needs to keep himself together. He needs to keep pushing forward, to not let the darkness overtake him, and to be here and present.
Erwin snorts laughter into Levi's hair at his response. "That's reasonable. I'm too heavy to drag up and down a vertical drop. Asking someone to do that every day would be unfair."
He lowers his head, nosing the hair near Levi's ear out of the way so he can press another soft kiss behind it. "Are you feeling better now? Or do you want to work out the logistics of future ass wiping first?"
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Date: 2023-10-08 07:00 pm (UTC)The sensation of breath in his hair makes him shift, but if anything, he's just snuggling back even more into Erwin's chest.
"I could manage. It'd be easier for you, though."
Pressed this close, there's no hiding the way that kiss sends a shiver down his spine, forces him into inhale softly against the unexpected wave of pleasant tingles it sends through his limbs. His pulse may have jumped a heartbeat or two.
Levi tilts his chin upward with implicit permission for more, eyes falling closed as he just tries to let go of everything else. There's still knots bound up in his shoulders, because when are there not? But much more of the tension seems to melt away in the following moments.
"Hmm," he sighs, because while 'better' isn't quite the word he would use, he's at least not so wound up anymore. "S'pose we can figure that out later."
With his free hand, Levi reaches up to slide fingers over the soft, short hair at the back of Erwin's neck, gently holding him in place for a moment to turn and nuzzle appreciatively at his cheek in silent thanks. His lips brush at the corners of the man that's wrapped him in his arm - his husband - but only briefly, so as not to prolong the awkward, surely uncomfortable angle more than necessary. But he needed a little self indulgent moment.
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Date: 2023-10-10 02:44 pm (UTC)With Levi's head turned, Erwin is able to trail kisses down the side of his neck, from just behind the jut of his jawbone to along the taut tendon that turned his head. Levi smells different here, a certain wild, iron-y musk wafting up from under the usual smell of soap and clean skin. Erwin likes it, likes how it's so unmistakably Levi, and how he's the only one allowed to get close enough to know it's there.
Levi's little twisting motion just lets Erwin get close enough to mouth Levi's collarbone, but he doesn't hold it long enough for Erwin to really kiss him. It's probably for the best; the angle is starting to get awkward for both of them. When Levi twists out of it, though, Erwin loosens his arm slightly and steps back, but only so he can try to get Levi to turn around. Chest-to-back is good and all, but chest-to-chest is better, and Erwin's aim will be a lot better if Levi is facing him.
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Date: 2023-10-10 04:15 pm (UTC)But then Erwin is releasing him, just a little - just enough to turn, which is good, because now Levi wants a real kiss. Or two. Or three. Or as many as he can get.
All thoughts of tea are completely abandoned as he turns in the protective, safe circle of Erwin's arm, reaching to cup his face. For several heartbeats, Levi just holds them both there, staring quietly into blue eyes that remind him of a clear, spring day, and vows softly:
"I will never let anything happen to you."
And then, raising up onto his toes, sets their lips together.
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From:I have zero icons of him looking up, haha
From:huh what's that life like--
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