"Let it out. It will hurt worse if you keep it in."
And there's no judgment here, none at all. Erwin has spent enough nights on his own, beating himself up for decisions he's made, lives lost on his behalf.
Bertolt. Reiner's other half. The boy who died at Shiganshina, the one who almost went down Erwin's throat, if Levi hadn't changed his mind at the last minute. Erwin wonders if Reiner would be here, wanting to tell him about it, if he'd been the one who killed the boy. Somehow, he thinks he wouldn't.
"This place can be very cruel sometimes. But you know that anyone who knows you, anyone who saw the two of you back then, doesn't believe for a second that you would ever forget that on your own, right?"
How could they? Bertolt is woven all through Reiner, as much as Levi is woven through Erwin. He wouldn't forget. He can't forget.
Let it out, Erwin says. And so comes the first shuddering sob, low and wounded. Reiner cries quietly, but he cries all the same, his shoulders shaking as his grip tightens on Erwin. Seeking the stability Erwin provides.
It helps, what Erwin is saying. Helps to have outside reassurance that he wouldn't have forgotten his partner. Not on his own. (Not as he made himself forget what happened to Marco.) But the fact that it could be done to him at all still claws at Reiner's mind, making him doubt his memories.
How could Bertolt's fate be carved so neatly from his life? How could Reiner's mind have filled in the gaps so thoroughly?
"I wouldn't," he promises. "I would never forget him. Not anything about him."
And yet, he did. Those memories were lifted from his mind with Reiner none the wiser.
Maybe later, once the raw hurt has been soothed a bit, Erwin will point out that Reiner didn't completely forget Bertolt. He'll look back on their previous conversations, and when they had them; he's all but certain Reiner has mentioned Bertolt to him during this time when he forgot. It doesn't seem like Reiner forgot the good things about him, but only his death.
Without letting go or loosening his grip, Erwin starts to gently steer Reiner towards the couch. They can mourn Bertolt just as easily there as here, and be more comfortable while they do it.
"Will you tell me about him?" Erwin makes the request gently, ready to be rebuffed if that feels like too much for Reiner. "I knew him so briefly. Most of my memories are of him standing slightly behind you and looking intimidated."
Which, in all fairness, is how a lot of Erwin's early memories of the 104th recruits went.
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13thcommander) wrote2027-11-09 11:35 am
no subject
And there's no judgment here, none at all. Erwin has spent enough nights on his own, beating himself up for decisions he's made, lives lost on his behalf.
Bertolt. Reiner's other half. The boy who died at Shiganshina, the one who almost went down Erwin's throat, if Levi hadn't changed his mind at the last minute. Erwin wonders if Reiner would be here, wanting to tell him about it, if he'd been the one who killed the boy. Somehow, he thinks he wouldn't.
"This place can be very cruel sometimes. But you know that anyone who knows you, anyone who saw the two of you back then, doesn't believe for a second that you would ever forget that on your own, right?"
How could they? Bertolt is woven all through Reiner, as much as Levi is woven through Erwin. He wouldn't forget. He can't forget.
no subject
It helps, what Erwin is saying. Helps to have outside reassurance that he wouldn't have forgotten his partner. Not on his own. (Not as he made himself forget what happened to Marco.) But the fact that it could be done to him at all still claws at Reiner's mind, making him doubt his memories.
How could Bertolt's fate be carved so neatly from his life? How could Reiner's mind have filled in the gaps so thoroughly?
"I wouldn't," he promises. "I would never forget him. Not anything about him."
And yet, he did. Those memories were lifted from his mind with Reiner none the wiser.
no subject
Without letting go or loosening his grip, Erwin starts to gently steer Reiner towards the couch. They can mourn Bertolt just as easily there as here, and be more comfortable while they do it.
"Will you tell me about him?" Erwin makes the request gently, ready to be rebuffed if that feels like too much for Reiner. "I knew him so briefly. Most of my memories are of him standing slightly behind you and looking intimidated."
Which, in all fairness, is how a lot of Erwin's early memories of the 104th recruits went.